Jeff

“They set a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in front of me and said, ‘Here you go son, you won.’ I was around 12 years old. We were at a carnival in Marshall, Illinois. My grandfather was a musician and was on stage playing music. They gave me a handful of nickels, and I went to play the games. It was one where you stand around this table and spin the wheel, and if it lands on your color, you win.

I ran up to the stage, he was in the middle of a song. ‘Grandpa I won some beer!’ ‘Hold on a minute, son.’  After the song finished, he came down and said, ‘What are you doing with that?’ I said, ‘I won it for you.’ He said, ‘They gave it to you?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I won the game.’ He said, ‘Well, it's yours, go drink it yourself.’ I drank two beers and was completely wasted. I don't remember anything other than I woke up and had peed my pants. My grandfather was a full-on alcoholic and owned a tavern. I grew up in a family where alcohol ran rampant. My grandfather was a huge influence in my life.  My mother and father both whooped us bad when we were younger. There were six of us in the family.

I was such an insecure kid. I started smoking pot at a young age. I started experimenting with other drugs around 16 or 17.  I met cocaine and that was it.  I found my new love. It became a problem in my life for many, many years. The majority of my life I've been in recovery. I tried AA and Celebrate Recovery, and that worked for a long time. I got to a point where I needed more. The thing is, I really hadn't found the level of surrender that I needed in my life. “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2 . I just got baptized and dedicated my life to Jesus again.

These poems started coming to me. God started speaking through me. I have a poem I want to share with you: ‘So I know this word, surrender, though haven't quite yet done. I seek this thing called peace of mind that's shared from God's own Son. I'm told that He dwells in me and sometimes feel His love. They say this gift that He does give is sent from God above. I sometimes choose the chaos and live in my own shame. But I grow tired and I feel alone. I'm just tired of this game. I've heard about forgiveness, though seldom felt the joy. I haven't felt this peace I seek since I was just a boy. The peace I had when I was young was innocent, pure, and true. But to achieve the peace that I once had, there's one thing I must do. I must surrender to my Lord and call upon His name and look to Him for this I seek. Then peace I will proclaim.’ Just believe and have a little bit of faith. Pray for the Holy Spirit to come into your heart and change your heart. Start reading the Bible. Read the book of love. My name is Jeff, I’m human, and I surrender.”